Disenchanted, yet optimistic

So here I am, Friday evening on 4th of July weekend and alone. Yesterday marks the day that my relationship was officially over (for the 100th time). In my defense, I must say that this time is different, I'm hurt, but I didn't cry. I know, George Strait's Baby's Gotten Good at Goodbye song pops into your head. But this is the first time that I didn't even shed a tear. My heart is heavy and I have been moping around all day in my pj's and unbrushed teeth, I even called in sick for work yesterday, only because I was up the night before calling and calling "him" and of course he never answered.

How did I survive the last 3 years of my life? A little dramatic, yes, but they really were a nightmare. Let's rewind to 2006, when it all began...

I had just moved to San Antonio from Fort Hood, I didn't re-enlist in the Army and was starting my life over as a bona fide civilian. It was Memorial Day weekend and my first weekend as a San Antonio resident. Earlier that week, between unpacking and setting up the house, I was invited to my first block party. Apparently, I had come to the right place, all of the neighbors were 30-something partiers, just like me!

That day consisted of nothing more than make-up, primping, tight fitting jeans and alcohol, lots and lots of alcohol. I can't recall most of the events of that evening, but what is crystal clear in my mind is the first moment I saw him. It felt as if the whole world stood still. I can't explain why this happens, it has only happened twice in my life. The first time was when I was 11 yrs old and I waited 18 yrs for it to happen again. Maybe I'm lucky to have experienced this twice, some people go their whole lives without ever experiencing it. I believe it is your souls reaction to another familiar soul, that is the only way I can make sense of the jolt I felt. I must have known him in a previous life because we quickly became comfortable with one another. I won't go into the details from then to present day (that will be explained in future postings), but I will say that you can expect to read about lies, cheating, deceit, crying, a sex tape, affairs with friends, a suspected affair with a family member, two pregnancies, the birth of a daughter, broken noses and broken hearts, jail time, the list goes on-and-on!

Our last half-attempt at repairing our relationship began in April of this year. Things were good, actually they were almost perfect, except for the fact that he didn't want to confirm our relationship with the boyfriend/girlfriend label. He wasn't sure if he was ready to stop seeing other women and he wanted to reserve that option. I don't know what I was thinking when I went along with that ridiculous agreement, I kinda erased it from my brain, I was in denial about it. How could he have time to be with anybody else? We spent every free hour together. One lazy Saturday, we were watching movies on the couch and I was cooking an early dinner. I was using a recipe app on his iPhone when a text message popped up, it was from another women. If you have ever used an iPhone, you will quickly learn that it is a cheaters nightmare; the full text message pops up and the senders information is also present, how's that for trying to hide anything! Reading that text (which said nothing much but something about work and she called him honey), brought back every doubt, suspicion and hurt I have ever experienced with this man. Honey! How could she call him honey? That was our term of endearment! How dare she, how dare he! Later, I questioned him about it because I had to know if he was sleeping with her. What he didn't realize was that I read the text message and I knew they worked together. He swore it was nothing and that the couple of people he had slept with from work no longer worked there. Hmm, whatever! I knew better and I was correct. Since that day, which was Memorial Day weekend, our "perfect" romance has never been the same. He is back to the old "Mr T", back to his old ways.

After work on Wednesday, I went and had a few drinks with my cousin. I hadn't really spoken to Mr T in a few days, only a quick call about our daughter and nothing more. I was waiting for him to "come to his senses". He texted me that evening and asked for me to send him a certain picture of myself. I sent it and we shared a few texts, basically about the night that the pic was taken. I thought to myself, finally some communication! He got out of work at 11pm and called me. By this point, I was pretty tipsy and I asked him to come over. He immediately knew I had been drinking so he turned me down and hung up on me, he hates it when I drink. I was very upset and started calling him, over and over...soooo pathetic! I then decided to listen to his saved messages (I can always figure out his code) and heard several saved messages from the weekend before from two different girls. I called one and confronted her about "screwing my man" (still in denial and not realizing he was NEVER my man). She denied it all and begged me to leave her alone because she was married and her husband was getting upset about the late phone call. I gave her a piece of my mind and told her how disgusting she was to sleep with some guy, then go home and hop in bed with her husband, what a slap in the face to a man who vowed till death do you part!

The other girl never answered, so I called him a few more times, sent a few hate texts, then went to bed. The next morning, I knew what an ass I made out of myself over him so I decided to block his number from my phone. With Verizon, if you block a number, you block ALL incoming AND outgoing phone calls and texts. Just what I needed, a guarantee that I would never drunk dial him again! (I might be better off never drinking, but baby steps!)

He then decided to email me (I get email on my phone thanks to my trusty BlackBerry Storm) and we finished up with an exchange of a few nasty emails to each other (almost defeated the purpose of wanting "no contact" for a while). Now we have done some horrible things to each other, and we have said some even nastier things, but nothing compares to what he wrote to me. He said, and I quote, "actually, it is a good idea to block my number, I don't have to deal with your drama! That's probably why your husband left you and that's why EVERY man will always leave you! You're seriously mad that I don't want you? Look at who you are and be mad at yourself!"

Words can't describe how reading that made me feel. This is why I know that we have reached the end of the road. Even after all I have been through and all we have put each other through, this was the unforgivable. Pretty funny how it took words and not actions for me see the light.
This is what brought me to this blog site, a chance to tell my story and hopefully heal in the process. I don't want to ever allow another man to treat me the way he has and I don't want another man to ever feel as if I am dispensable.

I thank you for joining me on my journey.