As Pathetic As It Gets…

My “I Love Mr T” Song List:

Como Dueles En Los Labios by Mana

Please Don’t Leave Me by Pink

IfYouLeave by Musiq Soulchild Featuring Mary J. Blige

Love You ‘Till The End by The Pogues

 

Every time I hear certain songs, I get the sudden pathetic urge to call him and have him listen.  I’m so sad, in every sense of the word!

An Attempt to “un-set” my ways…

We mistakenly think that when we are in a relationship we must win every battle.  Difficult is being so independent in the world and also being submissive to our significant other.  This is going to be the weirdest advice you ever hear, but women, you have got to let a man be a man---men, you have got to let us be women. 

Back in the good ole days, women took care of the house and men brought home the beef. --Yes, I know it’s bacon, but i don’t like BACON.  Besides, beef has more value than bacon…who wants a slice of bacon instead of a nice, medium rare rib-eye?  Not I! --  The divorce rate was so low because we knew our roles and fulfilled our obligations. 

I have taken the male role in many areas of my life.  I am a single mother to four, have always been the breadwinner, never received child support for the first three--10 years after my divorce, I found myself still a single mother, but now to four children.  Hell, I even joined the Army and served my country in a war zone!  I’ve drank more than I care to admit and need more than one hand to count how many times I have regretted the night before.  Maybe it is time for me to fill the role that I was born with…the role of the female.

Somewhere between the "good ole" days and the women's liberation movement, we screwed ourselves.  Not only are we still the housekeeper, we are the nanny to our children, we are the errand runner for the household, the family accountant, all while holding down a 40+ hour a week job---AND expected to hand over our measly check to help with the bills!  It is even proven that we don’t make as much as our male counterparts…in the same job position!

Why have we began seeing man as the enemy.  Why?  When all of this began because WE wanted a change.  Man has been doing the same thing they have always done.  They are going to work and coming home to dinner, day after day.  Some weekends, they get to go fishing with old drinking buddies, then back to working and coming home to dinner.  We asked for the extra responsibilities, they gave us what we asked for.

Somehow, we have got to get back to “the good ole days”.  We must learn to swallow our pride and bite our tongue at the same time.  We can't always be so quick to use our words as a weapon---and we can’t always be so quick to ask for something that we can’t handle.

This might just be the answer to our national crisis (sorry, I always have to be a tad too dramatic)…our national divorce crisis.

Sometimes I am just too genius for my own good!

The Lessons We Are Forced To Learn…

Life is about lessons; you are either teaching another a lesson, or are being taught.  Learning a lesson is a sign of immaturity and inexperience, but we must all experience lessons at one point or another.  Stupidity is having to relearn the same one, over and over.

Ridiculous to me is returning, despite the knowledge gained, with a hope that the mistake has somehow transformed into something favorable or even acceptable.

Yesterday, once again, the hope returned. 

Today is the reminder of the absurdity of that hope.

 

A Few Steps Back…

I disappoint myself sometimes.  Yesterday, I decided I needed some sun.  What’s a girl to do?  Go to the pool, right?  Well, Mr T had our daughter and was on his way to bring her home.  He asked what our plans were for the night.  Of course I mentioned that I was going to the pool…BAD IDEA!  He invited himself to join me (I was secretly excited).

Swimming led to him coming over and frying catfish for dinner (my fav!).  Catfish led to a movie, the movie led to my bedroom for a nightcap.

He went to work the next morning and immediately sent a text regretting the night!

This incident set my healing back about 2 months!

Why, why, why???

I just don’t understand my heart sometimes.  I have made up my mind that I am going to move on, but my heart refuses to let go!

This leads me to believe that my mind and heart are not connected.  When I say connected, I don’t mean literally.  What I mean is that I don’t think we are playing on the same team.  I believe that my mind is the mortal part of my being.  The part of me that places doubt…obviously the part that over-analyzes everything.  But also the part that keeps me cautious, the only thing that I trust because I know that “it” has my best interest in “mind”. 

But my heart, my heart is different.  My heart is the direct connection with God.  The part that believes in true love.  My heart sees the good in everybody and everything.  It is optimistic and always believes tomorrow is a beautiful gift that is opened by the sun. 

Can’t I get a transplant? 

I have so many dating prospects!  Why can’t I MAKE myself interested in one???  Come on heart!  Can’t you see the good in somebody else besides Mr T???

I hate my heart right now!

When it rains, it pours…

So, here I am, on day four of my life ending breakup—still alive btw—and all of the sudden I have two NOW THREE! cute boys from my past who have decided that they can’t live without me!  Okay, maybe not so much that they can’t live without me, but they just miss me so much that they have got to be next to me one more time!  One boy found me on MySpace and we have been exchanging back-and-fourth emails since my day 2.  The second boy instant messaged me from my yahoo messenger on the evening of day 2 and boy number three JUST yahoo messaged me as I am typing this!

Looks like recovering from this breakup is going to be a breeze!

Disenchanted, yet optimistic

So here I am, Friday evening on 4th of July weekend and alone. Yesterday marks the day that my relationship was officially over (for the 100th time). In my defense, I must say that this time is different, I'm hurt, but I didn't cry. I know, George Strait's Baby's Gotten Good at Goodbye song pops into your head. But this is the first time that I didn't even shed a tear. My heart is heavy and I have been moping around all day in my pj's and unbrushed teeth, I even called in sick for work yesterday, only because I was up the night before calling and calling "him" and of course he never answered.

How did I survive the last 3 years of my life? A little dramatic, yes, but they really were a nightmare. Let's rewind to 2006, when it all began...

I had just moved to San Antonio from Fort Hood, I didn't re-enlist in the Army and was starting my life over as a bona fide civilian. It was Memorial Day weekend and my first weekend as a San Antonio resident. Earlier that week, between unpacking and setting up the house, I was invited to my first block party. Apparently, I had come to the right place, all of the neighbors were 30-something partiers, just like me!

That day consisted of nothing more than make-up, primping, tight fitting jeans and alcohol, lots and lots of alcohol. I can't recall most of the events of that evening, but what is crystal clear in my mind is the first moment I saw him. It felt as if the whole world stood still. I can't explain why this happens, it has only happened twice in my life. The first time was when I was 11 yrs old and I waited 18 yrs for it to happen again. Maybe I'm lucky to have experienced this twice, some people go their whole lives without ever experiencing it. I believe it is your souls reaction to another familiar soul, that is the only way I can make sense of the jolt I felt. I must have known him in a previous life because we quickly became comfortable with one another. I won't go into the details from then to present day (that will be explained in future postings), but I will say that you can expect to read about lies, cheating, deceit, crying, a sex tape, affairs with friends, a suspected affair with a family member, two pregnancies, the birth of a daughter, broken noses and broken hearts, jail time, the list goes on-and-on!

Our last half-attempt at repairing our relationship began in April of this year. Things were good, actually they were almost perfect, except for the fact that he didn't want to confirm our relationship with the boyfriend/girlfriend label. He wasn't sure if he was ready to stop seeing other women and he wanted to reserve that option. I don't know what I was thinking when I went along with that ridiculous agreement, I kinda erased it from my brain, I was in denial about it. How could he have time to be with anybody else? We spent every free hour together. One lazy Saturday, we were watching movies on the couch and I was cooking an early dinner. I was using a recipe app on his iPhone when a text message popped up, it was from another women. If you have ever used an iPhone, you will quickly learn that it is a cheaters nightmare; the full text message pops up and the senders information is also present, how's that for trying to hide anything! Reading that text (which said nothing much but something about work and she called him honey), brought back every doubt, suspicion and hurt I have ever experienced with this man. Honey! How could she call him honey? That was our term of endearment! How dare she, how dare he! Later, I questioned him about it because I had to know if he was sleeping with her. What he didn't realize was that I read the text message and I knew they worked together. He swore it was nothing and that the couple of people he had slept with from work no longer worked there. Hmm, whatever! I knew better and I was correct. Since that day, which was Memorial Day weekend, our "perfect" romance has never been the same. He is back to the old "Mr T", back to his old ways.

After work on Wednesday, I went and had a few drinks with my cousin. I hadn't really spoken to Mr T in a few days, only a quick call about our daughter and nothing more. I was waiting for him to "come to his senses". He texted me that evening and asked for me to send him a certain picture of myself. I sent it and we shared a few texts, basically about the night that the pic was taken. I thought to myself, finally some communication! He got out of work at 11pm and called me. By this point, I was pretty tipsy and I asked him to come over. He immediately knew I had been drinking so he turned me down and hung up on me, he hates it when I drink. I was very upset and started calling him, over and over...soooo pathetic! I then decided to listen to his saved messages (I can always figure out his code) and heard several saved messages from the weekend before from two different girls. I called one and confronted her about "screwing my man" (still in denial and not realizing he was NEVER my man). She denied it all and begged me to leave her alone because she was married and her husband was getting upset about the late phone call. I gave her a piece of my mind and told her how disgusting she was to sleep with some guy, then go home and hop in bed with her husband, what a slap in the face to a man who vowed till death do you part!

The other girl never answered, so I called him a few more times, sent a few hate texts, then went to bed. The next morning, I knew what an ass I made out of myself over him so I decided to block his number from my phone. With Verizon, if you block a number, you block ALL incoming AND outgoing phone calls and texts. Just what I needed, a guarantee that I would never drunk dial him again! (I might be better off never drinking, but baby steps!)

He then decided to email me (I get email on my phone thanks to my trusty BlackBerry Storm) and we finished up with an exchange of a few nasty emails to each other (almost defeated the purpose of wanting "no contact" for a while). Now we have done some horrible things to each other, and we have said some even nastier things, but nothing compares to what he wrote to me. He said, and I quote, "actually, it is a good idea to block my number, I don't have to deal with your drama! That's probably why your husband left you and that's why EVERY man will always leave you! You're seriously mad that I don't want you? Look at who you are and be mad at yourself!"

Words can't describe how reading that made me feel. This is why I know that we have reached the end of the road. Even after all I have been through and all we have put each other through, this was the unforgivable. Pretty funny how it took words and not actions for me see the light.
This is what brought me to this blog site, a chance to tell my story and hopefully heal in the process. I don't want to ever allow another man to treat me the way he has and I don't want another man to ever feel as if I am dispensable.

I thank you for joining me on my journey.